Random Situations

[Silamai]

Post jokes here about random situations the characters may find themselves in, whether it be within the boundaries of Silent Hill or James' garage.

So yeah, I wrote this one a long time ago, so some people from the old SHH may know it. I can't think of any new ones to write at the moment, sorry. I also apologize for the length. I'm longwinded with my jokes for some reason.



The Silent Hill protagonists decide to start a rock group in the garage of James’ house.
Heather: Okay, let’s go over instruments. I get to play the electric guitar because I’m the prettiest.
Henry: What the hell?
Heather: Dad, you can have the drums.
Harry: Why do I get the drums?
Heather: All those beatings that you gave those nurses with the emergency hammer have got to count for something.
Harry: Oh, okay.
[Harry happily skips to the drum set]
Heather: [to herself] Plus, the thought of you being up front scares me to the point of birthing a God.
Heather: Now James-
James: Oh! Oh! Can I play the pillow?
Heather: You can’t play a pillow.
James: Sure you can! Here, I’ll show you!
[James grabs a pillow seemingly out of nowhere]
James: First, I shove it in your face, and then you sing into it. Try it! It’s fun!
Heather: No way, you psychotic freak!
[Heather smacks the pillow away]
Heather: You can sing.
[Heather hands him a microphone that looks a lot like a gun]
Heather: You have to hold it like this [positions it so that the end of the gun is in James’ face] and turn it on by pulling the trig- I mean this switch here [points to the trigger].
James: Okay.
Heather: Now Henry, you get the best instrument of all. The cowbell!
Henry: What the hell?
[Heather hands him a large cowbell and drumstick]
Now let’s go! One, two, three, four!
[they begin to play an abstract song, which eventually begins to sound good. James still hasn’t ‘turned on’ the microphone yet.]
Heather: Okay, we’re still missing something.
Voice: IT NEEDS MORE COWBELL!
Henry: What the hell?
Heather: Who are you?
[man walks out from shadows]
Man: I am Christopher Walken and I am telling you that you need more cowbell!
BANG!
[all look to see that James ‘turned the microphone on’]
Christopher: And you need a new singer.
Heather: Dude, what are you doing here in the first place?
Female voice: Honey! Where are you? Aren’t you going to help me find my friend Allessa?
Christopher: [cringes] I’m running away from my blind date. I told them that I liked to read about cults and God, so they set me up with this weirdo.
Heather: That voice sounds familiar…
[woman appears in the shadows, her face can’t be seen]
Woman: Oh Chris, I was looking for you when you suggested we play Hide and Seek!
Christopher: I didn’t say that, I said that you should ‘seek’ professional help.
Woman: [ignores him] I had to chase you through the rose bush you went in, and the mud you ran through, and the bee hives you went through, and…
Christopher: [whispers to Heather] See what I mean?
Heather: Wait a minute!
[Woman looks at Heather, face comes into the light]
Heather: YOU!
Woman: Hmmm? Oh no!
Heather: Claudia, you bitch! You tried to kill my father! I thought you died in that hole!
Claudia: What? No, there was a cushion on the bottom, so I decided to start a new life with this hunk of man here!
Henry: What the hell?
Claudia: Not you, you emotionless idiot! My little Chrisy-poo here! [Latches on to Christopher’s arm]
Christopher: [begins to shake his arm] Get off me you creepy, creepy woman!
Harry (I felt that he should have at least one line): [to himself] Is she desperate?
Heather: [Kill Bill style!] You and I have unfinished business.
[Fight ensues, starting out as a slap fight]
Heather: Bitch! [Slaps Claudia]
Claudia: Slut! [Slaps Heather]
Heather: I am no slut! I didn’t have sex with anyone to make that baby! [Slaps Claudia]
Claudia: Oh yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before! [Slaps Heather]
Heather: You’re a liar and you know it! [Slaps Claudia]
Claudia: Well you know what!? That ‘God’ that you came up with was nothing but a tiny drug addict, whose mom was on the cover of Crack Whore magazine! [Slaps Heather]
Heather: Oh that is so it!
[Heather grabs the gun from James’ dead fingers and shoots Claudia]
Heather: No one talks about my baby that way, bitch!
[Everyone looks at Heather in shock]
Heather: [completely calm] Now what was that you said about a cowbell, Chris?

[robbiekun]

I remember, and yes.........IT"S HILARIOUS!!!

[St. Aatos]

A SH and SNL Weekend update crossover.


*may contain spoilers!*





Tina: Last week in the town of Silent Hill Heather Mason and Eileen Galvin were arrested for having lesbian sex inside of gas station bathroom. Upon hearing the news a lot of people said "Hmm, I bet the brunette was more into it than the blonde."

Amy: With that in mind it's now time for our girl on girl reenactment

Announcer: It's Weekend Updates Girl on Girl Reenactment

Heather and Eileen are represented by barbie dolls being played by Tina and Amy respectively

Eileen: Heather?

Heather: Yeah, I'm here.

Eileen: Oh Heather, I've missed you.

Heather: I love you, are you sure you want to do it here?

Eileen: Henry and Walter are doing something in my car

Heather: Are there any mirrors in here? I hope that toilets not full of blood

Eileen: No, it's perfectly safe. No mirrors, no bloody toilets.

Heather: I can't believe we still have to sneak around

Eileen: It's not right for Pyramid Head to be able to marry a mannequin and still obtain civil rights, and yet us two human girls are denied that right!

Heather: It's just not right! Us lesbians have just as much right as the heterosexuals!

Eileen: I know what you mean. The goverment is only making people see this as an issue because they don't want to face the real issues at hand.

Heather: Like the God fetus that keeps rejuvinating itself in me.

Eileen: Or that pysco who keeps calling Henry's apartments his mother.

Heather and Eileen attack each other sexually, kissing, flipping upside down. Remember they're being played by Barbie dolls

Announcer: That was Weekend Updates Girl on Girl reenactment!

[Silamai]

Oh! I saw that sequence on SNL! That was awesome, it made me laugh my ass off, and you were able to really capture the essence of it

[St. Aatos]

Why, thankyou!

Valtiel (in the form of Vincent) and Heather are walking on the island.

Valtiel: I saw the bodies of two men so I've prepared them for the rebirthing ceremony

Heather: Eew.

Valtiel: Hey, you've died more times than necessary. And getting run over by that subway train? Just what were you thinking Heather?

Heather: *looks down* I lost something shiny there.

Valtiel: We're here now.

Sure enough Vincent and Heather have reached the bodies, both decayed beyond belief. Valtiel performs the last rites of the ceremony of the rebirth. The two figures gain back there perfect human form, and then both rise.

Figure 1: Oh what in Satan's name happened? One minute I'm being stabbed by that idiot Varg, and then in darkness and now I am in a beautiful place! Is this hell? If so the Christians were wrong!! *turns around* Holy shit, what are you doing here Dead?

Dead: Uhhh my head hurts. Is that you Euronymous?

Euronymous: Yes it's me. *sees Heather and Valtiel* You must Satan and the bride of Satan, tell me where shall I reign in hell?

Valtiel: Umm I'm not Satan.

Heather: And I'm not the bride of Satan

Euronymous: Then who are you?

Heather: I'm the mother of God

Valtiel: And I'm her valet.

Euronymous: God?? What the hell is this place?

Heather: Silent Hill

Dead: Grr, I want beer....

Euronymous: And you believe in God? I'd rather die!

Heather: It won't do any good, he *points to Valtiel* will just rebirth you.

Valtiel: She's right you know.

Euronymous: LIES! *grabs a shotgun out of nowhere and shoots himself. Dead sees this and produces a camera out of nowhere and takes pictures.*

Dead: Now I have an excellent photo for the newest Mayhem bootleg.

Valtiel: *sigh* *Performs the rebirthing ceremony, Euronymous comes back.*

Euronymous: *sees his surroundings* Oh hell.

Valtiel: Get used to it, you're here in Silent Hill forever.

Euronymous: Fuuuuuck.

Valtiel: Now do me a favor and where this. *hands him a butchers robe and a Pyramid Shaped Helmet* and stand out in the middle of an apartment. and you *points to Dead* put this on, *hands him a nurses uniform, and a black wig, and fake boobs* and hang somewhere.

E and D: You've got to be kidding.

Heather: No, now do it.

The two black metal musicians leave.

Heather: Umm what was the point of this?

Valtiel: To be honest Heather I have no idea

Heather: Just for shits and giggles?

Valtiel: Yep

[nur ein tier]

got bored and decided i should caption some of my screenshots. =0p

[Silamai]

I always wondered if he would ever do that...

[nur ein tier]

silamai said:

I always wondered if he would ever do that...

i always swore at him for not doing that... ^_^

and because i just had to:

[cashopeia]

You're all creative! I'M SO JEALOUS OF YOU GUYS!